When you were small, your parents told you “You need to think about your future. What are your plans?” And when you were pretty relaxed in your response, the folks said something like this, “Aren’t you worried about how your life may turn out to be?”
At least that’s what my parents said. No offense Mom, Dad 🙂
Being parents, they were probably doing what they were taught to do. They were learning by example all these years of their growing up. They followed what their parents said and were merely “worried” for you, their beloved child.
Or think back when you were supposed to sit an exam. Friends and well-wishers most often said, “Don’t worry, you’ll do alright”. That implied you must be worrying before they soothed you.
I often think why humans give such a damn about worrying. What is worrying and how does it manage to take away 6.5 years of an average person’s life? And what would it take to stop worrying?
The Fake Connection between Worrying & Being Responsible
Somehow, culture has brainwashed us to believe that if you don’t worry over something, anything, you’re not being responsible. You’re doomed as one of those who live an aimless life where life is just play, nothing serious.
Or maybe you’re someone who is low on confidence and has given up entirely. A quitter frowned upon by passers-by who are on the treadmill of instant worry. Any happiness that worries have is “earned” happiness, whereas you don’t deserve it at all.
In reality, your worrying has nothing to do with your level of responsibility (or happiness). In my profession, I see clients every day who are chronic worriers but hardly take 100% responsibility for their life.
More often, it’s the opposite – people who are driven, goal-oriented, smart and optimistic choose to focus on things within their influence and turn them around if they are not happy with what they see. If that’s not being responsible, I don’t know what is.
And guess what? These people don’t have the inclination or time to worry too much because they are busy sculpting their life as they want it to be.
Worrying Serves a Secondary Gain
All behaviour is based on reason. You’re doing, acting, thinking, believing in things because that works for you on some level. It may not be conscious, but it’s there.
Because think about it: If worrying gets someone the attention they crave, why would they stop? On a conscious level, they may genuinely want to stop. But unless they realize worrying is a barter for their attention-craving behaviour (“attention” being equivalent to “love” in some people’s dictionary), they won’t let it go. It’s going to be a classic case of war between the conscious and unconscious mind.
This person will bring their story with them everywhere they go.
Awareness is 95% of the journey. Become aware of the secondary gain you’re getting out of worrying first. Is it support from others? Sympathy? Getting problems solved? Look beneath the surface – you’ll know when you’re there.
As you become aware of the secondary gain, it becomes easier to take conscious action. Your conscious and subconscious mind will work together like charm. It’s like getting everyone in your team to like each other – finally!
How to Stop Worrying: Delay Instant Gratification from Worrying
Now that you understand two key reasons worry is so popular, let’s focus on how you can stop worrying.
It feels you’re doing the right thing by worrying about things. You get this satisfaction that you’re doing something to achieve your goal. This feeling of worthiness after worrying (because it somehow “proves” that you care about stuff in your life) is only an illusion.
By worrying, you’re actually spinning your wheels. It would make sense then to fool your subconscious – that is conditioned over the years in believing worry is good – and promise it the lolly if it behaves as a good girl. So you delay the instant gratification of the illusive feeling of worthiness by promising yourself you’ll worry about it later.
Many people use a “Worry book” for this. This is how it works: When a pesky thought hijacks your mind and prevents you from being productive and confident, you write that thought down in the worry book and promise you will come back to it at such and such time. You set aside a “worry hour” where you can worry your heart out, but not just yet.
This tricks your subconscious mind into believing you are still being the good girl or boy by continuing to worry, thus keeping the old belief intact that worrying yield good. But really, you’re training it to be someone that’s confident in their own abilities and don’t need the crutches of yucky thoughts!
Come back to the notebook at a time when you’re feeling extremely good about yourself and you’ll find these past worries don’t really matter. You overpower them! Or perhaps you can simply choose to forget coming back to it. But hey, you are still taking notes so technically, you’re committed, yes? 🙂
Are you a worrier? How do you stop it? Share your personal tips on how to stop worrying in the comments.
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at 8:05 am
Hi Pooja – an interesting article. I find your worry-book technique puzzling though, here’s why. I’m no expert for sure, but I’ve always believed in the theories of positive mental attitude (PMA) as extolled by Napoleon Hill in Think And Grow Rich. I’m not sure if my belief comes directly from that book, which I haven’t read for a while, or elsewhere but it’s about reinforcement.
The theory goes something like this; if you try to concentrate on positive thoughts it is good. Even better, if you vocalise those positive thoughts it has the effect of ‘fixing’ the thoughts in your mind. If you write them down and read them, the effect can be amplified; you become what you think and say. The converse is true – people who tend to always moan and complain about the things in their life that are wrong are reinforcing those negative beliefs and their doom-laden view of life becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
So my concern with the worry-book idea is that this might be affirmation of the negative and counter productive. Might it not be better to acknowledge the challenge (whatever is causing the worry) write down a possible positive solution to the challenge (any to begin with)and then promise yourself that you will come back later and try to improve on the first idea. That way you would be setting the subconscious mind the challenge of being solution focused. What do you think?
Regards,
Andrew
at 4:37 am
I really want to say thanks for the comment, agreed with you. Don’t depict the feeling when you feel bad but “analyze” the reason/solution to overcome the feel. But do depict the feeling when you feel good. That’s what I learned from a mentor of practicing “positive thinking”. I have kept writing down my gratitude diaries for about two years. This practice makes me calm, and peace of mind.
at 8:27 am
Hi Andrew,
That’s an interesting take on it. I am a believer of positive thinking myself. On the other hand, I find it fascinating where and when you’d stop the positive attitude and really do what it takes to reach happiness, your goals or whatever it is you’re seeking.
I also think there’s a subtle difference between being blindly positive and optimistic. To me, positive is when there’s a truck coming toward you and you tell yourself “It’s OK I am thinking positive thoughts so nothing will go wrong” and stand there in the face of danger. Whereas optimism is when you see the truck coming and ensure nothing’s going to happen to you AND you move away from the track 😉
The worry book can definitely be extended in the way you mention. So you’re turning it into a Solutions book instead — very cool! Other ways to tackle if this become an issue is to perhaps open a Word document in your computer and DELETE the file once you’re done writing your worries. Or burn the paper. . .
The whole idea is to prevent yourself from worrying all the time because it leads to inaction. If coaxing your subconscious that you will come to it later works, chances are that you wouldn’t have to come to it later at all because you’d have shifted your focus away from the problem to the solution. That’s the basis of how coaching works. 🙂
Thanks for your thoughts. Trust this helps.
Pooja
at 9:20 am
Hi Pooja, thanks for your quick response. I know about the frozen into inaction feeling; I have my own imminent oncoming truck! However, at the moment I have means to step out of the way so my technique is more akin to the fabled ostrich with a good measure of que sera, sera thrown in! 🙂
Andrew
at 9:35 am
Great to hear that you have the technique working well for you Andrew!
Pooja
at 7:09 am
Superb article, Pooja. Suggesting a log book of worries seems a good idea. Will definetly try to fool my conscious mind this way! Do send me your guide as well. Keep giving parenting tips; now I know how not to make my dolls (Ayesha soon to be 7ys, Ava’s 2 yrs 9 months) worry & will try harder to give a positive spin.
at 7:15 am
Great to hear from you Pinky! Glad that you could use the tips 😉
Pooja
at 1:40 pm
My name would probably be listed beside the word “WORRY” in the dictionary 😉
I worry about real and imagined problems. But I am mostly paralyzed by the same negative thoughts bombarding me over and over again until I dissolve into a teary mass on the floor! Negativity has become an obsession for me. I work hard every minute to overpower my ugliness, but, thus far, I notice more failures than successes.
I do like the idea of jotting down my thoughts – it does help to get out of our heads and look at a problem objectively.
Andrew – I also enjoyed your comment about focusing on the SOLUTION instead of the obstacle.
Thank you so much #HUGS
Kitto
at 11:47 pm
Hey Krithika,
You’re right — in fact most of us are paralysed by those thoughts, aren’t we? I think those thoughts are really the fog that stop us from focusing. In theory, we all know it but when it comes to practice, it’s easy to succumb.
Thanks much for the tweet-love also! 🙂
Pooja