It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all. ~Laura Ingalls Wilder

I can be my own enemy. I am very capable of succumbing to my old habit of over-analyzing progress, business and life in general.

During this analysis, it’s very easy to play the self-blame game. You automatically look for what’s not working and things that you could have done better.

It leads to a massive coulda-shoulda-woulda cycle that’s hard to break. Especially if you’re ambitious in any area of your life.

If you’re evaluating your growth for 2013, chances are you’re beating yourself up over things that could have been better. In the struggle for the elusive “trophy”, you forget to acknowledge all that you did do that no one else could have.

Yes, there is a place for growth, goals and accomplishment (because we’re either green and growing or ripe and rotting!). But before you take the next step, stop beating yourself up and acknowledge what you’ve been blessed with.

So it’s time to pay yourself some much-deserved credit that gets lost in the transition to be more, do more and have more. You’re already doing the best you can with the resources you have.

You’re already awesome in many ways. You’re not perfect (no one is) but equally good at things others dream of. You’re where you’re supposed to be.

Here’s why:

1. You’re breathing
2. You get to experience the sunrise and the sunset
3. You keep on keeping on
4. You’re blessed with good health
5. If you make a mistake, you always have an option to apologize and undo the damage
6. You’ve got someone with whom you can share your dreams and get nostalgic about the past
7. You’ve got technology at your fingertips
8. You want to help the needy
9. You’re ambitious to want to pursue your dreams
10. You’re the most important person to someone
11. You’re not afraid to learn the tough lessons of life
12. You appreciate the small things in life — the chirp of a bird, the crash of a wave, smell of a brand new book
13. You have a bed to sleep on, a pillow to rest on
14. You have all the amenities like clean water and electricity that not every soul has
15. You can step outside your house without fear
16. You can eat whatever you like (donuts and coffee anyone?)
17. You’ve fallen in love
18. You’ve failed, and got up again
19. You can have a warm bath if you’re cold
20. You can swim in the oceans if you’re hot
21. You can travel the world if you wanted to
22. You’re optimistic enough to be reading this

There exist people who don’t have access to these “givens” listed above. Be thankful and count your blessings as you pursue those big bold dreams.

What else can you add to the list above?

Image by greg westfall.

Asking for what you want—and setting boundaries around what you don’t want—is a key life skill. But sometimes in our enthusiasm to practice this skill, we over-do our own assertiveness and end up with a partner who shuts down, gets angry or feels resentful.

Here are four tips for developing your assertiveness in a way that will actually strengthen, deepen and enrich your relationship—thus avoiding the “alienation trap”.

1. Get Clear.

Being assertive starts with knowing what you are and aren’t willing to be, do, or have. For many of us, coming to this knowledge is a real task unto itself. Here, it may be useful to ask: “In an ideal world, what would I like to happen?”

Focusing on an ideal outcome opens our minds, prevents us from falling into passivity or “victim-thinking,” and helps us get really clear on what we want and don’t want.

2. Set Boundaries.

Once you know what outcome you need (or want), share it with your partner. Pay attention to the way stating your boundary feels in your body.

With practice, you can actually sense when you’re hitting the “sweet spot.” It can feel really pleasurable, even exhilarating, to express your needs or desires out loud.

Phrases like “such and such doesn’t work for me” are simple ways of being assertive while maintaining connection with your partner.

3. Make a Regular Habit of Stating Your Needs and Desires.

You can build your assertiveness the same way you build any muscle: exercise. Practise speaking up about your needs, big or small, on a daily basis.

When you speak up about things that are less controversial — such as where to go to dinner, requesting help unloading the dishwasher or what TV program to watch—both you and your partner get used to your assertiveness.

It becomes easier for you to practice and for your partner to hear. Also, when bigger issues come along, you and your partner will have a healthy process in place for dealing with differences in needs, and you’ll have greater confidence in the resilience of your partnership.

4. Give as Much as You Get.

Assertiveness is a two-way street. If you want your boundaries to be respected, you must return the courtesy to your partner.

If she doesn’t want you to use the bathroom when she’s in the shower, don’t. If he asks you to give him a half an hour after work before you talk and connect, respect that. When it comes to following through on a partner’s reasonable request, actions really do speak louder than words.

If your partner isn’t respecting your boundaries even though you’ve set them clearly, it may be time for professional help for you and/or your relationship.

Where are you in your relationship? Are you being assertive enough without turning your partner off? Share with us int he comments below.

Image by Daniele Zedda